Today...

S and I visited. We arrived just as the oncologist was talking to Mark and B. S went ahead in... and I waited in the hallway. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life. :( The oncologist called for another chest x-ray. He also wanted to drain as much as possible. That gave the oncologist time to talk to S, Mark, and myself. He showed us pictures from early April compared to the middle of April. There was a huge difference in the left lung... but nothing compared to what May 1st to May 4th revealed. In my own perspective, the left lung has about 2 to 3" left that are not cancer filled. :(

S, Mark, and myself had a good long chat. I heard about their feelings on hospice... and the plan to convince B to get some help during the last days... or weeks. Then they turned towards me on my interpretation of why B is being the way he is. It was a hard reality, but I told them that as a parent, it's hard to give up the strength that the kids need. It's especially hard on B because the boys' mom is already gone. In B's eyes... who will care for the boys? They agreed... that since he was a young child and his own father left their family... HE has been the strength that held the family together thru thick and thin. He made things happen by being stubborn and he got his way that way. That doesn't work now... and it's hard for him to adjust.

The nurse informed us that he was headed back to the room. Mark left. S and I had a talk... until I broke down again. Then B came in. He sat in his bed... finally I offered him my chair. That is when he told me that he was just PISSED. S and I were quite. Pretty soon he said "Well... there is nothing more that I can do... my days here are short." I could hardly take it. He then got into details with S on a few things. Soon... his lunch appeared. We chatted a bit more... and S wanted me to drive home to get a few things done.

I said my goodbyes... and proceeded to get some water and go to the bathroom. That is when I decided that I needed to tell B a few things. I asked S to leave us alone... so he did. I explained to B that I love him very much... and that I hope that he understands this. I did tell me that he does, and that in the beginning he felt that I needed to earn my trust due to the past he had with my own mom. He said that I did earn his trust and that he knows that I will do my best. It was THE hardest thing to do in my life.... We had a good conversation. S walked me to the elevator... and I drove home.

S is racing right now. He needed to do this to clear his head.

The call...

The call that I've been dreading for months now... happened about an hour ago. I have had a nice long chat/cry out with Deb... which makes me now able to type this out.

After the fluid was drained... within 24 hours it was hard for B to breathe again. Last night S took him to the emergency room. They did several scans... and again this morning. It is not fluid that is causing the condition now... but the cancer. :( :( :( Those words are so hard to type... only because you always keep that one hope that NO... it's NOT going to be that. His lungs are white... full of the cancer. They are trying to keep him comfortable. S said that the Dr was very nice in explaining in much detail, but he didn't think his dad knew the condition of them when he called me. This is so hard.

As much as a person wants somebody to be with them here on earth... you certainly don't want them to be in pain. He's in pain now... and is managing it. Again... I so terribly hate this.... :( :(

He's back in...

S took B to the emergency room... and now 4 hours later they are admitting him to get him comfortable. I'm so torn. B does not want me driving in the dark and rain to see them ... and S says that it's up to me. It's been a bad day... and I had several drinks tonight, which means I should stay home. I'm completely a mess... which I'm sure the drinks are not helping with. I have to get it out sometime though.

He's having difficulty breathing and his lungs are filled again. Yes... they just pumped them. :( What the HELL does this mean??? 'sigh'

As I sit typing... I just want some concrete answers... why does life have to be so hard. :( :( :(

Trying to focus...

but it's so hard. I'm not sure where it would be best for me to even 'be' right now. I find myself just breaking down... nothing triggers it... it just happens...

S said last night that he couldn't get the sound and vision of his dad out of his mind last night. WHY... does life have to be this way??? It makes me want to just curl up and cry... some more.

I want to go and visit him, but I'm seriously not sure if I'm strong enough to do it. How bad... is that. :( :( And this darn headache just won't go away..... URGH!!!

Another update...

S said that they removed 1900 cc's this time... the original time 2 weeks ago was 1200 cc's... they are filling up fast. S said that he's just not well.

Dear God... please give us some answers. A lot of hearts are struggling right now.

Happy MAY Day!!!

I wanted to make a seperate post... about other things going on.

I don't do this very often... but I must say that both of my classes last night were AWESOME!!! I had a lot of compliments even. Makes it hard to decide what I will be giving up with summer almost here... and school out in just a few weeks.

Tonight we have soccer practice and a ball game. I hope that the storms hold off until after we have played. Please no soggy clothes and shoes again this week! LOL!

I also made the call this morning... to............. my ex-mil to see if she would join us in CA. I am a bit nervous about the what if's with me being the only adult... and I know that the girls would LOVE her going with us. She is checking and said that she will let me know soon. I made her one heck of a deal.... ;-)

The Results...

are not good. :( :( I expected this. :( :( B's lungs are over half full... which are going to be drained today. He made it just over 2 weeks since the last time they were emptied. The cancer according to the CAT scan is doubled now. :( :( And... the anurism in his stomach is twice the size. S ... with understanding is not taking the results the best. I am trying to stay strong... which really puts a strain on a person. I have my moments of course. I wish that I had powers that could change all of this... it's very sad.