Today...

S and I visited. We arrived just as the oncologist was talking to Mark and B. S went ahead in... and I waited in the hallway. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life. :( The oncologist called for another chest x-ray. He also wanted to drain as much as possible. That gave the oncologist time to talk to S, Mark, and myself. He showed us pictures from early April compared to the middle of April. There was a huge difference in the left lung... but nothing compared to what May 1st to May 4th revealed. In my own perspective, the left lung has about 2 to 3" left that are not cancer filled. :(

S, Mark, and myself had a good long chat. I heard about their feelings on hospice... and the plan to convince B to get some help during the last days... or weeks. Then they turned towards me on my interpretation of why B is being the way he is. It was a hard reality, but I told them that as a parent, it's hard to give up the strength that the kids need. It's especially hard on B because the boys' mom is already gone. In B's eyes... who will care for the boys? They agreed... that since he was a young child and his own father left their family... HE has been the strength that held the family together thru thick and thin. He made things happen by being stubborn and he got his way that way. That doesn't work now... and it's hard for him to adjust.

The nurse informed us that he was headed back to the room. Mark left. S and I had a talk... until I broke down again. Then B came in. He sat in his bed... finally I offered him my chair. That is when he told me that he was just PISSED. S and I were quite. Pretty soon he said "Well... there is nothing more that I can do... my days here are short." I could hardly take it. He then got into details with S on a few things. Soon... his lunch appeared. We chatted a bit more... and S wanted me to drive home to get a few things done.

I said my goodbyes... and proceeded to get some water and go to the bathroom. That is when I decided that I needed to tell B a few things. I asked S to leave us alone... so he did. I explained to B that I love him very much... and that I hope that he understands this. I did tell me that he does, and that in the beginning he felt that I needed to earn my trust due to the past he had with my own mom. He said that I did earn his trust and that he knows that I will do my best. It was THE hardest thing to do in my life.... We had a good conversation. S walked me to the elevator... and I drove home.

S is racing right now. He needed to do this to clear his head.