Quick B update

I started this post on Tuesday, but my blog was having issues.

While in CA... I got the call that B was being admitted to the hospital. He was having anxiety attacks. They started the morphine and another anxiety pill. They also discovered that his left lung is completely solid with cancer now. He was pretty much sadated until Sunday. The girls' and I came to visit on Monday. He looks GREAT actually. Up and moving... and the girls got some pretty big smiles out of him. On Tuesday... he was released. He is still refusing hospice care.

Last night... being Thursday evening... S took him back into the hospital. He is having some major swelling issues. When S arrived home at 2 am... he said that they finally got him admitted and that he's in the ICU. He's having heart problems now. Please say some prayers for him.

Vacation....

I’m going to try to document each day of our vacation… then I can look back at the great times that we had.

Tuesday after work… I left and grabbed Am and headed home to do my final packing. I was sick Monday night and didn’t get a chance to finish. By 6 pm… we were headed out of town. We stopped in Marysville KS… which is only 30 minutes from home to eat, which was fine with me because we were GONE from town. J We ate and made it to our hotel around 9:30 pm. I knew that it was going to be an early morning… so we did quick baths & showers and went to sleep.

5 am came quickly… but with the excitement in the air… you would never have guessed that we didn’t have that much sleep. LOL!!! By 6 am… we were headed to the airport on the hotel shuttle. Check in was easy… security no problem… and we were waiting at our gate. By now it was 6:30 am. We sat down to relax. Am was starting to color a picture… when about this time MIL and I looked at each other with a FEAR OF GOD look. The color box that she had… had a pair of scissors sitting in it. It had made it thru security… YIKES!!!! After a very quick discussion of WTH to do… I proceeded back to security with the full box. I showed the lady that it had made it thru security. She said “Yep… it’s allowed!” I’m like WTF… are you serious?? I told her to throw it… but she said “Nope… you can have it on the flight.” Gosh… nice to know… I guess. :S :S :S

So… our flight was on time… and the girls had no problems at all flying. The flight was about 3 hrs 15 minutes out there. I had the pleasure (NOT) of having a male sit beside me. He really deserved to have a shoe in his mouth… but I tried my best to not give him the ‘boot’. LOL!!! I was soooooooo happy when we landed. We found our luggage… and waited for ‘JohnnyPark’ to take us to our rental car. I did get a Charger… and a GPS. Would have been nice for a quick 101 on the GPS… but we learned quickly. Miranda named her “LOLA”… ROFLMAO!!! So… we plugged Lola in… and she decided to take us the nice long route to Anaheim. Didn’t really bother us… until we were about 10 minutes away… and then it seemed like we had been driving FOREVER!!! We found the hotel … but our rooms were not ready. We decided to walk across the street to ‘Bakers Square’ to eat. Our first real meal of the day… and it was 1:30 CA time. My phone rang… to tell us that our rooms were ready. YEAH!!! We wanted to get to Disney still. So… we unpacked and headed off. We found our way to the shuttle and got our tickets. Disney was pretty much what I expected it to be. We did several rides… ate ice cream and churros… and CHOCOLATE. LOL!!! By evening… we were ready to hit the heated pool and relax. So… back to the shuttle and hotel. The girls went swimming… and mom relaxed. I decided to sit along the edge of the Jacuzzi… but missed what I thought was the bottom … and fell into it with my clothes on!!! What a sight!!! ROFLMAO!!!

After changing… we ordered in pizza and pasta… and called it a night. End of Wednesday.

Test...

I'm doing a test because if I type out a long story one more time... and it gives me an error... I will throw my computer thru the window... LOL!

Nice... and now I see that it is working. 'rolling my eyes'

We have returned...

where DID the time go? ;-) We had a BLAST!!! We are already planning our next trip there. LOL! Next time... it's totally the ocean for DAYS!!! We drove and spent some time there... and really enjoyed ourselves. The parks were great... but the ocean was surreal. LOVE IT!!! Miranda's just SURE... she will be living in CA some day. I guess only time WILL tell. :)

I promise to post more... but I'm finishing up laundry and settling in for the first day of work in a week. :S :S :S :S YUCK!!! ;-)

The last 24 hours...

have been NUTS! Anything that you can think of that could happen... has. :S :S

Yep... I went to lunch yesterday at noon... only to be puking within an hour of returning to work. It only got worse before it got better. So far I haven't gotten sick since last night... but I have no energy... appetite... My guess is that I got some type of food poisoning. I tried my best to teach my last class... which I had to leave twice to get sick. Pretty sad, huh? Hey... I managed though. Too stubborn to give up possibly one more exercise for the week. I know... I'm NUTS! LOL! That is just me though. :)

THEN... while dragging myself around the house last night... trying to stay calm not to give my head more of a reason to thrub... I get THE call. :( :( It's from ex-mil... crying. I seriously thought that somebody had died. She asked me if I got a call yet. I'm like NO... WTH is going on. Well... she felt (who knows why) that she needed to tell Miranda's dad that she would be in CA with us thru Sunday. Well... you guessed it... he flipped a cork and she had to make a decision... so she isn't going with us. My heart stopped right then and there. It's not a matter of trying to prove a point with him... it's control. His marriage is on the rocks... and this was his way to control something. I simply told her to sleep on it... and we would see what a new morning and day brought. Well... sure enough her husband came to my work first thing. He handed me money... for her charges because she wasn't going. I listened... and heard more about what took place.

Needless to say... I felt very helpless. I've been in that situation. He was really surprised that her dad wasn't waiting for me this morning... or hadn't called me yet to give me also a piece of his mind. I kind of snickered and said "Ummm... he lost that right over 10 years ago when the judge granted me the divorce." Yep... he knows better because he has NO leg to stand on. Miranda is so upset... this was for HER... and he's thinking ONLY of himself... nobody else.

Just as a fast forward... I called her one son to see if he had talked to her. He had not ... but was very upset when I told him that she was not going. She needs this... just as much as the girls and I want her to be with us. He told me that he was going to visit her at work... and would be back in contact with me. So... about 10 minutes before noon... he called my cell phone. He told me that she would be ready to go with us. Seems as though he clarified things for her... that no matter what happens now... he will be that way. He has issues... is all I can say. Now... that he pulled this... he has shown his true colors to even more of this family. How sad to be that way. So... I called her to ask her when the red chariot could get her. It was so nice to hear laughter back in her voice.

So... around 5:30 to 6 pm tonight... we will be headed to the airport. We are ALL very excited. :) :)

Just one more...

sleep until we are headed to KC for the night. I can't BELIEVE... it's already here. Things are very busy here at work... and at home right now. I'm trying my best to stay calm and think that everything WILL work out... but there are times that it's getting the best of me. The time is literally FLYING before my eyes. Sure wish that I could learn to stop it. LOL!!!

This weekend was filled with getting clothes cleaned and packed... and graduation parties. I tried to do a little more organizing on my office... but only found time to move another box in there. Not much progress. It will be nice when my computer is in there... and not in Am's room. It's hard to type quietly when she's sleeping.

Just a quick update on B. S & I visited him on Saturday evening because he wasn't feeling the best. He's coughing up 'different' stuff now. It's a slimmy yellow and green stuff with strings of orange. He spoke of some strange things... which makes me pretty concerned. Still at home alone... 'shaking my head' We were able to see him yesterday by luck... and ate lunch with him. He just seems 'beat'. His color is completely gone............ has no appetite............ and just looks exhausted. It's hard to stomach because this is the guy that would never let anything get him down... and to see him like this breaks my heart. :( :(

Any way... I'm down to making my final list on items that need to get into the bags prior to leaving. I teach again tonight. We are done with soccer and ball now. Oh... but Miranda's ball is just starting. LOL!!! Wouldn't you know it. :P Any way... that's a quick update. :)

Can't seem to catch a break.

MAN... things are just NUTS!!!! I will be so ready for our vacation next week! YEP... that IS next week!!! :O :O :O WOO HOO and YIKES! LOL!!!

This week... is the end of ball and soccer for Jaslin. I have taught 3 of my 5 classes already... and I'm trying to just stay ahead of the game at work. Attempting to schedule hair cuts... and rental cars... oh man, the list just goes on.

So... Tuesday I did take off and spend the day with Jas' class on a field trip. It was GREAT!!! The 5 kids that I had were so well behaved. They liked me being their 'mom' for the day. :) Pretty cute!!! I seriously could have taken the little boy (the ONLY boy out of the 5) home with me that night. He even told me once "I really don't like crowds..." Awww.... I told him to stick with me... and he would be just fine. :D

Any way... things are pretty crazy. Tonight is soccer practice and her last ball game. No ... no break for the weary! Jas and Miranda are having their nails done... since it was the gift to Jas for her birthday from Miranda. That will do them some good.

And... since it appears that my boss and us will be sharing Disneyland tickets... we are also going to share Universal Studios and Sea World one's. :O :O :O Yep... mom will be doing some driving out there. YIKES!!! No... DOUBLE YIKES!!! Nah... actually I will be just fine. I just need to do some checking on distances and I will be set. YEAH!!!

It's May 12th...

and Kindergarten ROUND-up!!! WOW... my baby is going to SCHOOL!!! :O :O :O She's sooooooooooooo pumped about it also. :) :) :) Ok... just realized that I forgot the camera. :( DARN!!! Any way... I will leave in about 40 minutes to get her and take her to the 'big' school. She's hoping to see Jas while she's there. How cute is that!!! It's only for 1.5 hours... but it's 1.5 hours that mom will NOT be around. She told me this morning after the other girls got on the bus... "Mom... your going to be sad when I get to ride the bus too because I'm your baby." In trying to stay positive I said "Oh Am... it will be fun and exciting and actually... mommy will CELEBRATE when your on it." She burst out laughing. If she ONLY knew... the real truth. ;-)

Any way... I'll edit this post after she's done with school. :)

Mother's Day!

With very little hastles... I had a GREAT Mother's Day!!! :) Here's wishing that all of you mom's dad also. ;-)

I was woke-up by a little tap tap on the bedroom door... to open it and find Am standing there sleepy eyed saying "Happy Mother's Day Mommy". PRICELESS!!!! I gave her some snuggles and kisses... By 9:15... the house was up and going and we headed to eat breakfast. I opened some AWESOME gifts too. :)

From there... we came back home and I started working on organizing the play room and my new office area. WOW... what a CHORE!!! LOL!!! By 2 pm... I was ready to leave and run my errands. We went to the cemetary and to my mom's. From there... we went out to eat a late lunch / early supper at the Mexican restaurant. It was delicious... and even received a red rose.

We went back home and play catch with Jas... golf with Am... and proceeded to work some more on organizing the garage. I'm slowly getting there. :) YEAH!!!!

Then we ended the night with homemade brownies and ice cream... :D

What kind...

of a person would tell their one granddaughter that the 'better' Disney place is Florida?? Oh yes, that would be my Mother. What a terrible thing... to have my niece shoving and rubbing in my daughters faces. What an EVIL person! How fitting with Mother's Day fast approaching. Does this woman EVER stop... and think about others before she opens her mouth? Nope... obviously not.

Well... MOTHER... my daughters, my ex-mil, and myself are going have a BLAST!!! I hope that some day... you regret being the person that you are.

Gosh... feeling so much better now.

He's at home...

with oxygen and morphine... and by himself. :( :( They released him late yesterday. It was a good day for him... and he wanted to go home. They can't keep him. He called last night, which scared the daylights out of me because of how hard he breathes... I really thought that something was majorly wrong. S did go over there right away... but he said that it's just the way he is at this stage. B had a cute chat with Jas before I could get to the phone. She loves her grandpa. :)

S said this morning that ... B said he knows that he won't be here long. 'sigh' A person just knows... I am totally aware of that.

Still...

no update on the x-ray from Sunday... but his pain is obviously increasing because they are uping the morphine now. :( S visited him most of yesterday. He said that he was in and out of sleeping. They also x-ray'd his neck. S & I discussed 'why'... and it could be some additional cancer or it could be because of the pain he's having in his left side... which neither are good. No results on that x-ray either. S left late in the afternoon... because B had been sleeping for most of the time he was there.

S did drive back up to the hospital last night because Mark was unable to go... and found him back sleeping 'hard'.

Today is another day, but I'm not sure what it will bring.

Jas and Am are wanting to visit him, but we are really hoping that they will be able to release him ... so they can visit him at home instead. Right now... it's not looking very good for that though. :(

Today...

S and I visited. We arrived just as the oncologist was talking to Mark and B. S went ahead in... and I waited in the hallway. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life. :( The oncologist called for another chest x-ray. He also wanted to drain as much as possible. That gave the oncologist time to talk to S, Mark, and myself. He showed us pictures from early April compared to the middle of April. There was a huge difference in the left lung... but nothing compared to what May 1st to May 4th revealed. In my own perspective, the left lung has about 2 to 3" left that are not cancer filled. :(

S, Mark, and myself had a good long chat. I heard about their feelings on hospice... and the plan to convince B to get some help during the last days... or weeks. Then they turned towards me on my interpretation of why B is being the way he is. It was a hard reality, but I told them that as a parent, it's hard to give up the strength that the kids need. It's especially hard on B because the boys' mom is already gone. In B's eyes... who will care for the boys? They agreed... that since he was a young child and his own father left their family... HE has been the strength that held the family together thru thick and thin. He made things happen by being stubborn and he got his way that way. That doesn't work now... and it's hard for him to adjust.

The nurse informed us that he was headed back to the room. Mark left. S and I had a talk... until I broke down again. Then B came in. He sat in his bed... finally I offered him my chair. That is when he told me that he was just PISSED. S and I were quite. Pretty soon he said "Well... there is nothing more that I can do... my days here are short." I could hardly take it. He then got into details with S on a few things. Soon... his lunch appeared. We chatted a bit more... and S wanted me to drive home to get a few things done.

I said my goodbyes... and proceeded to get some water and go to the bathroom. That is when I decided that I needed to tell B a few things. I asked S to leave us alone... so he did. I explained to B that I love him very much... and that I hope that he understands this. I did tell me that he does, and that in the beginning he felt that I needed to earn my trust due to the past he had with my own mom. He said that I did earn his trust and that he knows that I will do my best. It was THE hardest thing to do in my life.... We had a good conversation. S walked me to the elevator... and I drove home.

S is racing right now. He needed to do this to clear his head.

The call...

The call that I've been dreading for months now... happened about an hour ago. I have had a nice long chat/cry out with Deb... which makes me now able to type this out.

After the fluid was drained... within 24 hours it was hard for B to breathe again. Last night S took him to the emergency room. They did several scans... and again this morning. It is not fluid that is causing the condition now... but the cancer. :( :( :( Those words are so hard to type... only because you always keep that one hope that NO... it's NOT going to be that. His lungs are white... full of the cancer. They are trying to keep him comfortable. S said that the Dr was very nice in explaining in much detail, but he didn't think his dad knew the condition of them when he called me. This is so hard.

As much as a person wants somebody to be with them here on earth... you certainly don't want them to be in pain. He's in pain now... and is managing it. Again... I so terribly hate this.... :( :(

He's back in...

S took B to the emergency room... and now 4 hours later they are admitting him to get him comfortable. I'm so torn. B does not want me driving in the dark and rain to see them ... and S says that it's up to me. It's been a bad day... and I had several drinks tonight, which means I should stay home. I'm completely a mess... which I'm sure the drinks are not helping with. I have to get it out sometime though.

He's having difficulty breathing and his lungs are filled again. Yes... they just pumped them. :( What the HELL does this mean??? 'sigh'

As I sit typing... I just want some concrete answers... why does life have to be so hard. :( :( :(

Trying to focus...

but it's so hard. I'm not sure where it would be best for me to even 'be' right now. I find myself just breaking down... nothing triggers it... it just happens...

S said last night that he couldn't get the sound and vision of his dad out of his mind last night. WHY... does life have to be this way??? It makes me want to just curl up and cry... some more.

I want to go and visit him, but I'm seriously not sure if I'm strong enough to do it. How bad... is that. :( :( And this darn headache just won't go away..... URGH!!!

Another update...

S said that they removed 1900 cc's this time... the original time 2 weeks ago was 1200 cc's... they are filling up fast. S said that he's just not well.

Dear God... please give us some answers. A lot of hearts are struggling right now.

Happy MAY Day!!!

I wanted to make a seperate post... about other things going on.

I don't do this very often... but I must say that both of my classes last night were AWESOME!!! I had a lot of compliments even. Makes it hard to decide what I will be giving up with summer almost here... and school out in just a few weeks.

Tonight we have soccer practice and a ball game. I hope that the storms hold off until after we have played. Please no soggy clothes and shoes again this week! LOL!

I also made the call this morning... to............. my ex-mil to see if she would join us in CA. I am a bit nervous about the what if's with me being the only adult... and I know that the girls would LOVE her going with us. She is checking and said that she will let me know soon. I made her one heck of a deal.... ;-)

The Results...

are not good. :( :( I expected this. :( :( B's lungs are over half full... which are going to be drained today. He made it just over 2 weeks since the last time they were emptied. The cancer according to the CAT scan is doubled now. :( :( And... the anurism in his stomach is twice the size. S ... with understanding is not taking the results the best. I am trying to stay strong... which really puts a strain on a person. I have my moments of course. I wish that I had powers that could change all of this... it's very sad.